those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
