I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
