So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
