Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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