I just cut my nipple shaving
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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