please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Randomize
