i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
