and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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