If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm like, not good at living.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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