i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Randomize
