I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
