peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
