Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
