I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
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