I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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