Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
