I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
