dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
