you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
