It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
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