I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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