My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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