I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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