Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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