Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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