Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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