I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
