I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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