Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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