I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
