i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
