my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
