Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
