Tell her she can't have a vagina
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Randomize
