Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
