You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
