Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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