I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
