saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
