were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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