he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
