we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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