Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
