Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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