you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Randomize
