party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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