I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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