Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
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