About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
