shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
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