i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
