I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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