I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
