i would punch a child for taco bell
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
