i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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