I'm jealous of your bromance
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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