Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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