I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
