my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
