my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
