apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
