At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
