Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
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