I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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