Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
