found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
