I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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