Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
