Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
