i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
