Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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