Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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