All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Randomize
