You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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