I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
