i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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